Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
