Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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