either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
