He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
