my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
