Plan B is the new Plan A
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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