The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
