I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
