Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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