I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize