Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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