I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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