i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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