There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Randomize
