you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
