you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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