I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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