I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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