Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You left your phone here
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