There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My vagina just clenched in fear
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