THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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