If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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