I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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