Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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