I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
