I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
