Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
