Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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