I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
