Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
