onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
