I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
