she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
