Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize