I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize