a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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