never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
