Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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