The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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