So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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