Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
