Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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