Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
someone get that fucking seahorse.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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