I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
