i think i have two assholes
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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