I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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