I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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