just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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