Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
