your thong is hanging out like whoa
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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