I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
