Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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