guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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