He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize