I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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