i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
