I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
